Confessions of a silent love

I was transfered to a new school in the wealthy suburbs from the city after finishing secondary school.

There I met a boy.

He had all the girls at his feet, and yet he ignored all of us.

I was no different, but I covered it with scorns and criticisms and anything else that could cover the nervousness I feel every time I try to talk or look at him.

It went on for two years before we all moved on and went to our separate universities.

I ended up in a public university at home, while he flew off to the UK.

It would take another 3 years before we met again.

During that 3 years, as hard as I could, I could not let him out of my mind.

I went on and met a new love and gave my all to him.

Yet, that sense of longing lingered at the back of my mind, like a thorn that refused to move.

Oh how much sorrow I had felt.


A few days before my convocation, I was called for a birthday gathering of old school friends.

And there, before my eyes.. there he was.

It was uncalled for..

It was not supposed to happen.

The same nervousness came back.. I could barely look up to face him throughout the night.


Days later, I decided to put an end to it.

Determined, I wanted to write a letter and tell him everything.

But that never happened.


Then it happened.

I found him online.

And I just let it out.


Later that night, I was so depressed, because I finally made my heart understood that he was never mine to have.. and that it was time to let it go.

Let my love go.

Sometimes it's more painful to pull out the thorn than to leave it there.

But at least it will heal.


I was glad my love waited patiently from a distance while I gave out a piece of my heart to someone else.

He knew I would come back.

And I did.

A healthy argument?

I had a short-lived argument with mum yesterday and it sounded much like this..

"We're going back to a wedding this weekend," she started.

"When is that? Friday?" I asked, sounding quite upset actually.

"No, Thursday"

"What? So early?!" I snapped, and then sighed because I was too lazy to argue after a whole day of viva sessions.. with two snappy lecturers to boot.

"Please tell me your plans earlier, I only have 20 days to thesis deadline you know"

"Well you should have done those earlier" she quipped.

See, now that's where the verbal stabbing comes up..

"What? At home?! Like I could do anything here"

"Well you've never helped me (with the kids)"

The kids.. that bunch of brats. I was quite happy they arrived, and irritated at the same time. First they lifted of the irritation of being expected to be home all the time, but the downside is of course, I was involuntarily pulled in to help with her motherly sacrifice, so that her son won't need to waste precious monies on a handy maid but splurge it all on furnishings in the new house which we obviously don't need. Which is also kind of ironic because buying more furnishings also meant more cleaning and hence and extra cause to why her back is beginning to break, and so she desperately tries to cling unto the last available daughter, this one, because the other dearest daughter, her pride and joy is happily enjoying her new life AWAY from her, with of course a call each week to tell her how happy she is there. Yes, she is obviously never coming back to soothe your aching back (my goodness it rhymes!).

Well if you noticed in the first place, those are their kids. So if you were always unhappy, correct me if I'm mistaken, but always complaining about either of them does translate into some series of accumulated frustrations, and the fact that you should get into your mind is of course that they do not recognize or acknowledge your magnificent sacrifice does add another load of ironies doesn't it? But hey, those kids of which you can share your love with throws some plus points in there.. Oh yes, without you around, those kids futures will be so bleak because their parents will be in virtual hell. So their mum is learning to be a good mother now, from you? Great tips there, but the last time I checked, porridge for the young things is still as plain as white. Oh but who am I to say all this? I'm just some daughter you were always unhappy about, but who the hell cares? Just rope her back in for help.. after all, what is this but a daughter's responsibility, to help her mother right?

Now ladies and gentlemen, back to some verbal stabbing..

"Don't come home and I get scolding, come home also get scolding" I sighed.

"You never helped me" again she whipped.

It's blurred from that point on, but it stopped immediately when she used the power lines..

You don't know what are power lines? No, not the electric lines outside your house, it's the 'ultimate' for stopping all arguments with parent and child, the delivery blow by the parent. It sounds like this:

"I(parent) say(scold) you a little bit and you need to talk back like that to me?!"

Ah.. that wonderful statement, immediately I stared back down at the remaining cauliflowers on my plate.. cleared it and moved away to the kitchen.

Surprisingly, it was after a long hiatus that I lashed back at her. In these recent times, I tamed myself off most of the arguing with a silence and a nod. It was perhaps a wrong time that she picked to unload yesterday. Most of the time in the past, I'd be so upset after an argument with her. Upset because when she uses those power lines or threatens to slap me, I could not finish what I wanted to say to her. Yesterday was different however, because as the moment she uttered those lines, I was actually laughing inside myself. If you could look at my lips at that moment, you might have sensed a smile. It was at that point an understanding dawned upon me, that I had a freedom now, and that I am free to choose what I want to do, and hear.

Stabbing hearts already

Yes I stab hearts.

It's legal because it ain't physical.

Hell if I feel bad, I'd be physically pounding away on my chest anyway.

I verbally stab my bf's heart everytime he comes home.

I get stabbing from my parents when I don't go home.

It's a 'you-stab-me-I'll-stab-you-back' world anyway. So cheers.